This Is How You Facebook

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Folks, for those of you who don’t already know (which is pretty much everyone), my parents have always been something of a pair of conspiracy nuts. And being reared by such nuts has definitely been a pain in my ass. Needless to say, it’s had quite the impact on me over the years. But yesterday I finally crossed over that threshold: that special moment that one always hears stories about, dreams about, yet for many of us, always remains just out of reach.

I’m talking about that moment where I can actually say, “I really enjoyed it, and can’t wait to do it again!” (Girls….you know what I’m talking about. Boys….you probably won’t ever admit it, but you secretly do too!) Because this afternoon, it all came to a head, shortly before it resulted in a premature climax. What can I say? It was my first time!

At any rate, as most of you aren’t yet privy to my Facebook—and probably won’t ever be. What? I like my privacy!—I decided that experience was worth sharing with you all here, today.

So go ahead. Take a peak. And enjoy being voyeurs for a day! And just think, my friends on Facebook get to watch me bare all like this everyday! Jealous? Don’t be. It’s awkward for them, too!

 

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8 responses »

  1. I don’t write a ton of comments, but i did some searching and wound up here This Is How You Facebook . And I actually do have 2 questions for you if it’s allright.
    Could it be just me or does it appear like some of the remarks look as if they are left by brain dead people?
    😛 And, if you are posting at additional sites, I’d like to keep up with everything fresh you have to post. Could you list of the complete urls of your shared sites like your twitter feed, Facebook page or linkedin profile?

  2. I know it was a joke. Usually conspiracy theorists are more serious about what they are doing. And more prone on thinking that what they do is for the good of all. Everywhere they have the same mentality. Those who don’t, we might as well laugh at it.

    • It was a joke. My friend and I were interacting on the thread as is if I were really desperate and irrational just like my mother. The helicopter circling around was real. My anxiety over it was not. It was fun and game and turned out great. =)

  3. As a writer, I know how absolutely devastating it can be when, you’re sharing your work with someone (pouring your heart and your soul, begging for their feedback, their criticism) and you post a link to it on their Facebook wall one day, only to follow up a week later and ask:

    “Well, what did you think?”

    And they reply, “tl;dr.”

    And you think to yourself, “TL;DR? What the fuck does that mean?”

    Well, if you’re not familiar with the acronym, it’s perfectly understandable. You don’t read and write in Prick. But if you’ve seen it enough times, you’ve probably figured out it translates to, “too long; didn’t read”.

    Now imagine how even more devastating, possibly even humiliating that could be to someone when you apply that sex:

    Your partner leaves early in the morning for work (no time to follow up on the dirty deeds that transpired beneath the sheets before they leave) but figures they have time to shoot you a text in the middle of their commute that reads:

    “So that was a pretty wild night, last night….” anticipation implied by the dot-dot-dots.

    And you reply, “sure”. One word; short, but not so sweet.

    Confused they reply “and….?”

    And slightly more generous you add that extra character of punctuation as you write, “tl;df” or “too long; didn’t finish”.

  4. Since we’re on the topic of humour, let’s talk about sex:

    You know things have taken a turn for the worse when….the two of you are on your phones tweeting and his says:

    “Ridin dis bitch so hard. Where my hi fives at bros?”

    Meanwhile hers simply reads:

    “Some1 plz call. The phone’s on vibrate.”

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