Game Plan


Lady Gaga: No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to avoid her.

Her image is everywhere. Her music is everywhere. And it’s almost unfair, because she’s infiltrated so many genres. It’s now even been picked up by various string quartets playing on my Pandora Radio channel! Ack! And you know—after what, four years?—I think I’ve determined just where this little monster fits in.

She belongs in a video game. Like a boss.

I’m thinking Call of Duty meets God of War. And in that game, the lifeblood of a nation (probably the United States) is about to be spilled for the last time. Lady Gaga, naturally, will play the part of the final boss, The Banshee. Her power will be “cry of the banshee”, which will render our character temporarily paralysed, thus allowing her to take swift, venomous cuts into our flesh; one after another, after another. Those cuts will do serious damage over time (D.O.T.), yet can be avoided if we launch rocket propelled grenades (R.P.G.’s) into her mouth right before she wails into song.

The fate of the nation will depend on our ability to cut off her head before a timer runs out. After we accomplish that, we win. Sort of.

Just when we’ve decapitated her, slick, black oil will spill out of her gaping neck and our character will realise that it was all an illusion: We were really fighting the Statue of Liberty the whole time. The great copper giant will fall to her knees and, with a shudder, the warble of helicopter blades will usher in, as missiles launch ahead of them. Buildings will crumble, and Armageddon will ensue. After that, the game is over.

What do you think?

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