Jadis Argiope “On The Topic Of Sexuality”

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It is my belief that humans are born with an incalculable capacity for sexuality: And Straight, Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual don’t even cover a fraction of the sexual palate we are capable of.

Now, it is important to note: this is merely a capacity, not a hardwired predisposition. And that capacity is rightly organic and dynamic. And regardless of liberty or oppression, we should expect this capacity to diminish and increase countless times throughout our lives; closing off old avenues, opening up new ones; occasionally revisiting places we’ll swear never to return, only to find it different this next time around. And of course, some avenues may also be sealed off permanently, never to be opened again; and for this, there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation, or none at all.

Now this is not to suggest that we do not have our own genetic and biological inclinations. Certainly those are still factors, and often conflict (or perhaps compete is a better word) with such capacities. But that is a matter that we tend to resolve on our own. And no man or woman or God can make that call for us. This is most especially so because, as you’ll come to see, even when we write it all out in black in white, it never really remains all black and white.

Human sexuality is a remarkable thing, for it is truly undefinable. And it does not follow any particular set of rules; not even among those of the same culture or biological gender. Yet the formula is different from person to person, which is why any attempt to pathologise it is a mistake.

And I know, so many of us would have you believe that it is strictly biological, that we are merely “born this way”. But that is a gross over-simplification of the matter. And were there any validity to it, it would be downright depressing. That’s as bad as being told that heterosexuality is your only natural capacity which, to me, is nothing short of oppression. Either direction conforms to a narrow, rigid binary system, which amounts to the same ugly lie. But the bold and beautiful truth is, we have a lot more say in our sexuality, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not being honest with you, or themselves. All they are doing is shifting the burden of blame where no blame is to be had. There is no guilt. There is no culprit. Who the Hell is anyone to put us on trial for such a thing? So why are we pointing fingers? Our sexualities are own creations that we came by naturally, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. So why not own up to our Selves, instead of running and hiding behind the guise of biology?

If anything, by shifting the blame onto nature, we only burden ourselves, because that is something that we cannot change, and thus should come to resent when persecution falls upon us. In such times, it comes to be viewed as a handicap, which it certainly is not. Yet is it any surprise that it is this very reason that so many of us are so reluctant to come out of the closet?

Now I know what you’re going to say, “if it’s not biological, it must be a choice, which means you all can still change.” And while that is dualistic thinking, I’ll give you half-credit, because that is half-true. We may still change. Allow me to repeat myself: WE MAY STILL HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CHANGE; or, rather, the ability to change our capacity.

However, as I said earlier, if certain avenues are cut off, they may be cut off for good, and trying to push a sense of normality on someone would only do them a disservice, as this rejection of their sexual validity could only be interpreted as an attack on their individuality (that inalienable right to one’s own sense of self-determination), and that goes against the very ideals that our forefathers fought and stood for. Ideals that have to come to fruition, and that you get enjoy, each and everyday.

No, any changes in someone’s sexuality has to come naturally through his or her own relationships within their respective environments (both internal and external), and by the values thy assign to the variables within those environments. Not through their relationship with Jesus Christ. And not through their relationship with their father or any special bonding events in the attempts to man them up — it just doesn’t work that way.

Change cannot be forced or coerced into being. Just as one cannot force you to enjoy certain foods you find unpalatable, you cannot force a gay man into enjoying intimacy with a woman, as much as you may try. He has to come to develop those desires on his own. So while tastes may change over time, you certainly cannot rush them.

But I would also like to emphasize that it works other way around.  Just as a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual individual may have the potential to develop a heterosexual lifestyle, so too can they develop the other way around. In fact, in recent years, it has become clearer to me that this is more often the case.

As the stigma upon such sexualities is lifted, more men and women are finding themselves at liberty to explore those other avenues of their sexualities; a perfect example of the aforementioned avenues closed, now re-opened. And I think that’s a good thing. It only justifies my feelings of just how much we truly aren’t hardwired by nature. Instead, it proves to me that any argument outlining how heterosexuality is the only natural conclusion (while rendering all others unnatural deviations) is, consequently, fallacious.

Now I’ve just said a lot, and I’m sure you all have your opinions of your own that you would like to share. So I will take this opportunity to invite you do so now, leaving them in the comments below.

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About ☤ T.S. Vandenberg

I am nothing if not my mind. My words are a reflection of my mind. Within them, I am eternal. Without them, I am lost eternally. As you continue to read, a convergence of minds begins to takes place. My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts. Within you, I may linger. Without you, I am exhibited.

One response »

  1. One bisexual male’s P.O.V: As a teenager, I found the same private, hormone-fired fascination with other males as did a lot of lads my age (although I never knew this then). It was puberty, plain and simple; wanting to know just how far the storm of new sensory experiences could take me. I wondered about sex with other males, sure- I wondered about sex! I certainly wasn’t having any. It was, truly, a whole new level of perception: I knew very little about it, I couldn’t really imagine how it’d feel, but it had become the most important thing in the universe. I quickly got used to adults telling me it was all just a phase, that I’d calm right down as I got older. That seemed a bizarre suggestion then, it seems bloody ridiculous to me now.

    Yes, my interest in other boys was fleeting. Girls were softer, easier on the eyes and a thousand times more complex. In fact, it was my first introduction to women, and I’ve been hopelessly in love ever since.
    Flashforward to my late teens and I’m thinking about other males again. I’m still a virgin, still painfully gauche, but I’m familiar enough with at least the mechanics of sex to realise it’s not so narrow and limited as to be closed of to those of us without girlfriends.
    Since that time, I’ve been with men and I’ve been with women. I’ve sat and looked at myself and thought how my feelings make no sense. I’ve thought, when enjoying the company of a man, that I could live the rest of my life without women and be perfectly happy. At other times, I’ve been with a woman and seriously wondered what on earth ever drew me to other men in the first place. The problem was, I kept expecting my inner self to figure out what shaped peg it was and drop into the appropriate hole (so to speak).

    We live in a world that demands we categorise and label ourselves on every level: we like what we can recognise and identify. We often feel at our safest knowing we are one of many. It’s an instinctive anxiety, but it doesn’t make much sense. Life itself thrives on diversity, and those that don’t devise new levels of being, be they individuals or species, are doomed to stagnate and die.

    Are you straight or gay? If you’re bisexual, which gender do you like better? I was forever asking these questions of myself. But honestly, sexual and romantic passion for the opposite gender and the same passion for your own are entirely different. What I desire and enjoy in men is nothing like what I desire and enjoy with women- it seems so obvious now!
    It’s been suggested that bisexuals are simply sexual omnivores, addicts who’ll say yes to everything, with bisexual men in particular having just watched too much porn. Some say that porn conditions straight men to associate the naked male bodies they see with the pleasure they derive from watching women, and thus they start to think of themselves of bi. I have a little sympathy for these theories, certainly there will always be some men with the ‘any hole’s a goal’ attitude, and God knows any man who turns to fellow males seeking simply a substitute woman is doomed to end up more frustrated and depressed than ever. In the end, regardless of stated orientation, if you can’t love men for being male, or women for being female, you’re barking up the wrong tree.

    The very definition of sexuality is the most nebulous, most hard to quantify in the whole sphere of human experience. There are those who see it purely as a question of which gender you prefer, while others see ‘sexuality’ as beginning and ending simply with whatever gets you off- fantasies, fetishes, etc. Neither definition is adequate. Sex is a vast, fluid continuum of perception, experience, intensity. The variables are infinite. One’s sexuality is as complex and individual as one’s fingerprints.

    I call myself bisexual for the sake of conversational clairty, but the older I get, the more I think of these labels as essentially meaningless.

    I am a sexual being. I am me.

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