Aperture Science

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Aperture Science

By Jadis Argiope

[Inspired by former Aperture Laboratories CEO, Cave Johnson]

Fart: A gaseous product of decaying fecal matter.

In layman’s terms:  The terd’s just falling apart. It’s breaking down; lacking in preservatives. 

Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve had it up to here with those, occasionally audible, often smelly, nuisances.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and I’m way ahead of you. We already put tons of preservatives in our bodies every day; it’s not just in our food, it is our food, and it’s still not enough. So if it’s not working from that end, then how do we get it far enough up our butts as to be effective?

The solution: Turn the body into its own preservative-making factory. How’s that for thinking outside the box?

So far, preliminary studies are delivering excellent results. And the only observable side effect lies not among our living, but deceased study participants:

Just hours after passing, their bodies seem to mysteriously reanimate themselves into something of a super-position of both living and dead. We’ve come to call it “Schroedinger’s Syndrome,” and it occurs in only one- out- of- eleven participants. They’re mostly docile, but some have demonstrated to have an incurable appetite for human flesh.

Stool samples have, however, confirmed that the therapy is a lasting success, as there is no detectable odour, so that’s a plus. And although we now have a lab full of flesh-hungry zombies, at least we know that the condition is non-transmittable through human contact or fluid transmission, such as handshaking, kissing, biting or exposure to open sores. We just have to figure out what to do with them now. Free labour? Your guess is as good as mine.

But in the meanwhile, I’m not writing this off as a loss just yet. We can still turn this one around. I don’t call these kinds of discoveries set-backs, I like to think of them as opportunities! We could be on to something bigger than fart suppressants here! I mean, who among us doesn’t want eternal life, right?

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